i wish i could my feelings into words.

i can never tell you how i feel. it's simply too much, and i'm afraid - of what's the meaning that lies behind these feelings, of what will happen if i say them out loud.

my heart beats when i see you, despite me telling it not to every time.

my eyes trail after you without realizing, and my heart beats faster. it's as if my heart already knows what i like before my brain does.



i like you.

there's no if's. there's no maybe's. i do, i truly do - and it terrifies me to the very end. these are the words i've always wanted to say, but are too afraid to.

so i write them here instead.

nonsensical babble: whatever

Assalamualaikum,

Well. Isn't this quite awkward?

It's 2016. It's mid-April. This blog is covered in dust because I've been abandoning it for months--well, my last post was in August.

It's been almost eight months.

[insert curse word here].

Somehow, I felt the need to write tonight. I don't know exactly know why, but my fingers were itching to just write something. Usually, I would open my Docs and write whatever the heck (mostly fanfiction, don't tell my mother about this) I want. Tonight, however, I wanted to write something that's less... I don't know? Not fanfiction? Ugh. I'm rambling now. Great.

So much has happened within these eight months. Hmmm, what to start first?

Oh! I got my exam results back. Long story short, I was not impressed by it; neither did anyone else, really. I don't really want to talk much about it or dwell on it too much, but it's honestly a pile of [insert curse word here]. That's all. Good-effin-bye to that. Moving on!

I am now officially, finally an SPM candidate.

It's terrifying yet so exciting at the same time. Terrifying, because I'll be facing one of the most important exams in my life. Exciting, because this means I will no longer be a high school student and I'll go through a whole new phase of my life. What is it, you ask? Well. Adulthood--which, let's be real here, is quite terrifying too but whatever, okay, whatever. I just can't wait to get my driver license la. As soon as I finish school, I think that'd probably be the happiest yet saddest moment of my teenage life. Despite saying how much I hate school, I'd probably be the one to miss the most. The memories I've made, the great people I've befriended, the teachers that helped me becoming a better person, and the guys I've crushed on (lol)--I will never forget all of it.

Okay, suddenly I sound so melancholic.

Speaking of crushes, I still haven't gotten over this one dude. I've never talked about him here, but yeah, I've been crushing on him since Form 3. Three. Damn. Years. And still, no progress. He's such a nice guy, not to mention cute as heck (oops, forgot to censor)--but he is too dense! Like, come on, every time he walks past me my friends would always call out my name, and they are probably the loudest, most annoying people you'll ever meet, but he doesn't even seem to notice? I just? Okay. Cool. Nice. Oh god, I'm rambling again, aren't I?

And there's also this one guy. He's... I don't know what to say about him. He just came out nowhere. I mean, I knew about him and had talked to him before, but this year, somehow I got close to him? It's a long story, but yeah, we talk every day. Not in real life, though, on Whatsapp only. He's such a nice guy. He may not be as cute as my crush, but he's smart and sort of hilariously weird too. The thing he loves to do the most is send me cheesy as heck pickuplines. Believe it or not, he is actually talking to me right now. On Whatsapp. As I am writing this.

Okay, I don't know why I spent an entire two paragraphs talking about guys.

Ugh.

I think I'll stop here.

This is not the end, I'll just probably continue this some other time.

Goodbye. See you next time, blog.

x
Aleesya