nonsensical babble: I'm back, 3 years later

Assalamualaikum.

Hi.

Oh, fuck, isn't this kind of weird? Why am I here? Am I really writing a blog post? Wow.  Maybe after this I'll reactivate my Tumblr and start blogging again. Honestly, I'm here because I've gotten bored of Twitter, which is a feat considering I love Twitter so much. Curiosity, and a teensy bit of yearning for nostalgia are also key factors as to why I'm revisiting this blog. Reading my old posts has made me feel all sorts of nostalgia. So many things happened within the years after the last post I wrote. Of course, in true Aliesya fashion, posting something sendu before completely disappearing. I don't think my 2015-2016 posts are particularly bad--totally biased point of view--but because they're ancient I can't help but cringe as I read them. Why in the world did I write about toilets? Nonsensical babble is right.

I'm twenty now. Imagine that. The last time I posted on this blog I was still in secondary school, slaving my life away, only to get a few A's on that SPM cert, but it was okay. My school experience was neither bad or good; it was okay. I had friends, I had enemies, I had crushes--like any other kid, really. Now I'm in my degree. A lot of things have changed. I'm not going to recall them all, but I'm a different person than I was three-four years ago. I bet when I'm near 30, I'll visit this blog again and cringe at this post. Who knows?

Anyway, just felt like writing something. Like a quick hello to an old friend. 

Maybe even a goodbye--for good. Maybe. We'll see.

And no, old!Aliesya I'm so sorry if you thought you'd score a boyfriend in uni: you haven't, and you're still very much single.

x

i wish i could my feelings into words.

i can never tell you how i feel. it's simply too much, and i'm afraid - of what's the meaning that lies behind these feelings, of what will happen if i say them out loud.

my heart beats when i see you, despite me telling it not to every time.

my eyes trail after you without realizing, and my heart beats faster. it's as if my heart already knows what i like before my brain does.



i like you.

there's no if's. there's no maybe's. i do, i truly do - and it terrifies me to the very end. these are the words i've always wanted to say, but are too afraid to.

so i write them here instead.

nonsensical babble: whatever

Assalamualaikum,

Well. Isn't this quite awkward?

It's 2016. It's mid-April. This blog is covered in dust because I've been abandoning it for months--well, my last post was in August.

It's been almost eight months.

[insert curse word here].

Somehow, I felt the need to write tonight. I don't know exactly know why, but my fingers were itching to just write something. Usually, I would open my Docs and write whatever the heck (mostly fanfiction, don't tell my mother about this) I want. Tonight, however, I wanted to write something that's less... I don't know? Not fanfiction? Ugh. I'm rambling now. Great.

So much has happened within these eight months. Hmmm, what to start first?

Oh! I got my exam results back. Long story short, I was not impressed by it; neither did anyone else, really. I don't really want to talk much about it or dwell on it too much, but it's honestly a pile of [insert curse word here]. That's all. Good-effin-bye to that. Moving on!

I am now officially, finally an SPM candidate.

It's terrifying yet so exciting at the same time. Terrifying, because I'll be facing one of the most important exams in my life. Exciting, because this means I will no longer be a high school student and I'll go through a whole new phase of my life. What is it, you ask? Well. Adulthood--which, let's be real here, is quite terrifying too but whatever, okay, whatever. I just can't wait to get my driver license la. As soon as I finish school, I think that'd probably be the happiest yet saddest moment of my teenage life. Despite saying how much I hate school, I'd probably be the one to miss the most. The memories I've made, the great people I've befriended, the teachers that helped me becoming a better person, and the guys I've crushed on (lol)--I will never forget all of it.

Okay, suddenly I sound so melancholic.

Speaking of crushes, I still haven't gotten over this one dude. I've never talked about him here, but yeah, I've been crushing on him since Form 3. Three. Damn. Years. And still, no progress. He's such a nice guy, not to mention cute as heck (oops, forgot to censor)--but he is too dense! Like, come on, every time he walks past me my friends would always call out my name, and they are probably the loudest, most annoying people you'll ever meet, but he doesn't even seem to notice? I just? Okay. Cool. Nice. Oh god, I'm rambling again, aren't I?

And there's also this one guy. He's... I don't know what to say about him. He just came out nowhere. I mean, I knew about him and had talked to him before, but this year, somehow I got close to him? It's a long story, but yeah, we talk every day. Not in real life, though, on Whatsapp only. He's such a nice guy. He may not be as cute as my crush, but he's smart and sort of hilariously weird too. The thing he loves to do the most is send me cheesy as heck pickuplines. Believe it or not, he is actually talking to me right now. On Whatsapp. As I am writing this.

Okay, I don't know why I spent an entire two paragraphs talking about guys.

Ugh.

I think I'll stop here.

This is not the end, I'll just probably continue this some other time.

Goodbye. See you next time, blog.

x
Aleesya

nonsensical babble: love?

Assalamualaikum.

Here's something that I don't understand.

I see teenagers nowadays, some who are way younger than me, throwing out the 'L' word to their loved ones like it's nothing. It's as if they're on a competition to see who can say 'I love you' the most in a span of one day. Maybe hours or minutes or even seconds! But that's for the more PDA-ish couples, I guess. The ones who take pictures together, write statuses/posts about each other on social medias with the annoying heart-eyes emoji as well as a butt load of colourful heart emojis and make my already sad my life even sadder. I sincerely  hope this type of relationships will decrease in percentage as the years past, 'cause I'm freaking sick of seeing them on my Facebook homepage.

Harap kita kekal till Jannah . I love u . kiss emoji* *heart emoji x10* 
-posted by a thirteen year old girl

Alhamdulillah, ada niat nak pergi ke Syurga.

Here me out, I'm in no position to judge someone's level of Iman, or give advice regarding this matter since I'm not the perfect 'muslimah', but I think if you really want to go to Jannah, you'd probably need to break up with your lovely pakwe ASAP.

Anyway, back to the topic--why is it so easy to say the word 'love'? And how can you be so sure that it is love? Granted, I've liked guys, but I'm pretty sure I've never fallen in love with one before. It just seems so... serious.

Google tells me that love, by definition, means 'an intense feeling of deep affection'. Now tell me, all you people, especially the young ones, do you really have intense feelings of deep affection towards your partners? Sekuat cinta ayah awak kepada mak awak, sekuat cinta saya kepada makanan, sekuat cinta Anthony kepada Xena (okay, maybe ni dah kira tahap obsessed gila gila.)? Kalau ya jawapan awak, maka benarlah, Encik Google kata awak sudah jatuh cinta.

...Or is it? Is it really love?

To me, love is much more than that.

Love means that you'll give it all for that one special person. Love means that you'll accept all of their weaknesses, dark sides, and flaws, and they'll do the same for you. Love means that waiting for a thousand year is nothing, as long as you'll get to be with that person in the end. Love means friendship; you're their best friend, and they're yours. Love means getting through the hardship together, facing problems together, and helping each other during tough situations.

Or at least that's what I think.

So I'm going to ask you again; what you feel for you partner right now, is it really, really love?

I don't know. I've never been in love before. If someday I do find the right one, and I'm one-hundred percent sure that it is love, I'll come back to this blog and rewrite everything. That's a promise. But for now, that's my definition of love.

Sorry for the over-usage of cheese. I don't know what's gotten into me. I need sleep.

Help.

Goodbye. See you next time, blog.
x

Aleesya

nonsensical babble: not sleeping (and ULBS BM)

Assalamualaikum.

As I am writing this post, it is currently 11.50 p.m.

Yes, another post written late at night. Seriously, I'm unhealthy and sleep deprived. I wonder if this is why I'm still ugly? Because I lack beauty sleep. Or, maybe puberty hasn't hit me yet. Not sure.

I've been neglecting this blog for the past month (or is it months? not even a clue) and I feel guilty. It's quite funny because the same thing happens to my Tumblr account, which I made just a few months ago because I was getting bored with my older one, as well. It is safe to say the last time I've logged into my Tumblr was in May, or maybe April? Whatever. It has been a very, very long time.

In all honesty, I truly do love writing on this blog. Perhaps it's because I feel comfortable, knowing that there won't be many people reading it, though I have a suspicion that someday one of my friends will find out about this. After all, I did put the blog's link on my twitter, so something like that will bound to happen anytime sooner. Unless they already did go to my blog, but kept it from me.

I will never know.

Tomorrow, I have a ULBS (ujian lisan berasaskan sekolah) for subject Bahasa Melayu, and I'm more than nervous. As a Malay individual, I should feel confident. I've been speaking Malay my entire life; it is my first language or mother language (mother tongue?) or native language or whatever you call it. Me, including three other girls who are all good friends of mine were told to form a group and do some sort of 'forum' in front of the class.  Ya know, like a talk show or ceramah, something like that. We even had to choose one person to be our pengerusi majlis.

Sounds a bit beria, right? Well it is over the top. In fact, our class is (probably) the only one out of six classes that has to do this. We can't really go against our BM teacher, Cikgu Z, unless we want to fall into her worst student list, which is a big no-no. Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly fine with talking in front of class, but after I found out that we had to do this forum thingy, I couldn't think properly. I start to feel anxious.

Even if we work as a group, we get individual marks.

Therefore, I don't want to screw up.

I got full mark on my ULBS BM berseorangan that I did a few months ago, I really, really don't want to get low marks for this one. This group ULBS revolves around KOMSAS (puisi tradisional, prosa tradisional, cerpen, drama etc). Our group got 'Gurindam Dua Belas'. Is it bad if I say I don't even know what Gurindam really is? Like, is it similar to Sajak or Syair or what. God, if Cikgu Z finds out about this, she'll be disappointed in me for sure.

Oh look, it's now 12.24 a.m.

How time flies when you are having fun (am I, though? Ok nah, just kidding).

I've got to go, though. It's quite late, and if Dad sees me still awake in the middle of the night, he'll throw a fit. You don't want to see my Dad getting angry, that's for sure.

Goodnight, blog. See you next time.

x
Aleesya